Words, words, words

I've spent the last several days immersed in stories of one form or another, reading, writing, watching films and shows. It seems all I do at the moment, although truly it isn't. I had a lovely luncheon with my friends from Spectrum from back in the day on Saturday, an enjoyable time at the book club meeting yesterday afternoon, and lunch today with Keesha, Apryl, and Josh, and it was nice to be relaxed with them, and last night dinner and conversation with Dad, and yesterday morning, church. Yet, despite all that, I feel very isolated. Maybe it is because my heart is away. I don't generally feel so lonely for him, but he was working before this and so the time apart seems longer. Beyond this though, today for some reason I am just wondering, what am I really doing? What is this all for anyway? Does any of this matter? And in fact, it feels like it doesn't. I needed to write this just to have some time to my own thoughts for a moment, unsullied by the ever impeding stories. Too many stories, not nearly enough ideas, for the moment. Although I have been listening to the Federalist Papers a bit the past few days. I need my mind fed with thoughts and ideas I need some time to process a bit of what I've experienced and to assimilate all these experiences somehow, analyze and understand them better. I spent time analyzing the Vampire Tapestry and I felt like I gained some greater understanding of human nature and the world from it. It was a useful endeavor. Let me take a moment to reflect on the rest of the media I've devoured in the past few days. There is the Warrior. A deeply sad story of a broken family at odds, and finding some final reconciliation. It struck a deep chord of sadness in me in the value of family love. Then there was Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which was ultimately a weak story. Not particularly profound or original. Then there was Sunset Boulevard, which was not as good as I was anticipating it to be, but it had its odd humorous and tragic moments, and there is no doubt that the final scene is one of the more disturbing and lasting sequences in film I have seen. Earlier today I watched the Iron Lady. Made me think more of politics, of course. What an interesting character, and how well Meryl Streep portrays people so that she not only embodies a persona, but makes them very human and relatable. She has a real gift for making her characters accessible. Then there is Hell on Wheels, which is shaping into a fascinating story and by the end of the season I really did not want it to end. I was thoroughly hooked, and Boardwalk Empire, which as the second season began, I was really wondering if they were going to keep the subtlety and excellence of the storytelling that they had in the first season, but by the end of the first episode the subtleties of the relationships of the characters were shown on a pitch perfect note and the story is progressing well. I would like to strive for the excellence in scene choices of my characters as they have in theirs. It's a mark of truly excellent storytelling, but then how to convey that same depth in my story. That is the key isn't it? Because what good are the stories if they do not resonate an element of truth to the viewer or the reader, and that is what I am hoping for with my story. To reach that level of truth with my story. Let's see, what else, ah yes, the beautiful The Red Shoes, such a very sad (if melodramatic) story, akin to Black Swan in many ways, only more personable and tragic, and what rich and lush dreamy imagery, what imagination in filmmaking and beauty of art in that film. Truly a fantastic film. One of the best I have seen this year and certainly warrants repeated viewings, so very sad, but beautiful. I love works of art and beauty like that, which touch your soul with their symbolism and creativity. There is something about art that make it transcend words and ideas, and it connects with your psyche and emotions directly. I would like to make something like that. I would like to write such beautiful scenes that would inspire such phenomenal beauty in a film. In fact, I would love to film something like that. I guess I didn't realize when I began this diatribe that THAT is what it is all for. I was sitting here contemplating God's great plan, wondering what all the design is for, as I sometimes do, and considering why I waste my time with so many of the things that I do when I don't think that God really finds merit in them. He wants us to be fishermen of men's souls, so then why do we persist in spending our time with stories and ideas? Why do we concern ourselves so much with worldly things, but then, God himself has communicated his will through the lives of men, and the stories of their lives, so the importance of stories and words, words, words, is there, it is valid, and ideas are as well, they are another way that he has communicated his will and amongst that is symbolism and greater depth, allegory and understanding, all this comes from such stories, but we must seek true stories and try and learn from them, and we must not let stories keep us from doing God's works, as well. I try to love and be a part of this world, but sometimes I feel as Irv did in the Vampire Tapestry, that the demands of being at the center of a social world fatigue the human soul, and yet, this makes no sense, as I am quite happily occupied in the company of those I love and am interested in. I enjoy their company, their love, and their laughter, and am very happily engaged in their company, and yet I shrink from it. I fear it. I feel at somewhat of a loss in it. Like I don't know what to share or what to say unless alcohol can calm my nerves. I feel a physical barrier and perhaps a social one? In most cases at least. People seldomly share the truth of who they are with their loved ones. There are very few who truly know my soul. Tyson is one, although I am not certain he understands it completely, and yet he is truly my other half. Kelly, Nick, Kristi, Justin, they understand me best. Perhaps Jesse, although we are like strangers in many ways now. Josh, Aaron, they understand the greater part of me, although not always my struggles, but it is hard to share with even them. All the rest of the world is often strangers to who I really am. My family know some of the pieces, but they don't know my heart, all except perhaps Toni and Josh. Of all my family, they understand and love me best, as I love them. I wish that I could share myself freely and have people really know me and have there be an ease of love and sharing of souls between us, but there just isn't for me. It is a struggle for me to connect these days and I always have and still seem to do it so much better in print. Perhaps that will change someday. Perhaps I will come to a time and a place when I no longer fear or worry about what to say to strangers or what to do, but that seems like an unlikely prospect at the moment. Ah well, as a life in print goes, mine is not so terribly bad.

Musing on Writing or Preparation for Battle

Staring at a blank page is often a challenge, and yet, here I am again. It seems a long time since I've been here. I've been keeping the creativity at bay, putting other things in higher priority for some time now, and that really has to stop. Time to let things flow again. I've been reading a lot of writings from a friend who is far away and he writes and inspires with his writing, and that is certainly saying something. As I read his works, I start to itch. I wish that I was more naturally poetic or that I was focusing my energy more on words, and so here I am again.

Winter is coming.

Not just to quote Game of Thrones, but to renew my energies, for once I am glad it is coming. I am looking forward to days stuck inside with books and writing. It stretches ahead of me like an oasis, and yet I still dread the coming darkness, despite how good it will ultimately be for my soul. The darkness and isolation should help me to keep my focus in the coming months. I am anxious to review my previous thoughts and writings and continue with my novel and the work on my screenplay. I've promised myself 2000 words daily, and that seems a very reasonable goal. This page will be a primer in the beginning, a place to get the words flowing before delving into the stories, and perhaps to explore themes and ideas more in depth as I consider where I am going with these grand visions I have. What will it be first? The vampire capitalist? Lost Lilith? The forgotten angels? Or the automatic pipe organ maker myth? Or perhaps the tales of the Greek Gods in the Caribbean? So many stories waiting to be told, they are overflowing in my head. I'm anxious to give one life, but I want their lives to have purpose and meaning.

I think the vampire is where I really must begin, don't you? It's a long time coming. And I must work on the others a bit here and there as well, but the vampire really deserves a true beginning to his long life. My dear Dorian. Time to give expression to your ideals and time to have them come crashing down when faced with the energies of others. I know your soul my Dear Dorian, but your idealistic view of capitalism has manifested in ways that you could never have predicted. Your life was a sad one, your existence since has been even sadder. What will you do when you see the flaws that others see in you? Can you convince them of your ultimate righteousness? Perhaps. Heaven knows you WILL try Dear Dorian, and I will be with you the entire way. So let us begin....

"The things you own end up owning you" or "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

I've been thinking a lot the last couple days about simplicity and aesthetics. That is to say, I've been considering why there seems to be a human imperative to make things that are beautiful or why we create things at all. It's weird that so much of our lives is wrapped up in how pleasing things are to the eye and we revere art highly in society, whatever form it takes, and yet this desire for things that are appealing to our physical senses, our aesthetes tastes, are often things that lead to the basest and most sinful of attitudes.

Indeed, if we really look at what the new testament is saying closely, there is evidence that Jesus is preaching that we really need to give up these desires for physical pleasures, stop gaining our sense of love and joy from them and put our joy in God and each other, but there is also a contradiction there because is God not in everything and has he not created everything? Indeed I would argue that the Bible says God is love, but is he not also creation? I always believed that Man being made in the image of God was a reference to our ability to both love and create, but if that is so, why are we left in a physical world with our senses being our primary means of interacting with it, if we are meant to deny those senses or for them to be subjugated and ignored?

It's confusing.

I think it has something to do with man's ability to choose. It is sort of like God wants us to deny our desires for the physical and choose him, but there are problems with that logic, too. It needs more thought and reflection.

Setting that aside for a moment though, let's look at how our aesthetes tastes really benefit us, one, they distract us from really seeing each other, two they keep us focused on the next great sensual pleasure, indeed they keep us in a constant state of desire to produce create and make MORE stuff to satisfy the unending desire of physical stimulation that we gorge ourselves on a non-stop continual basis. Why? Why do we do it? Why do we have a need for it? Let's talk about a lack of one of these senses for a moment, indeed the sense which some might consider the most primary to the human condition (although that is debatable) - sight.

There is a book called Blindness by Jose Saramago which is all about an epidemic of blindness that occurs, and centers on the one and only character in the novel who can actually see. There was a rather crap film made of the movie not too long ago as well, but the novel is in fact one of the best books I have ever read, and shows how without sight, society slowly digresses into chaos. It makes an interesting point about "seeing". There is an old saying, "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" but indeed in this book, the one person with sight is cursed, because she realizes that if the rest of the world knows she can see, she will be burdened with care taking for everyone else around her, and she is forced to witness and live through the same atrocities that those around her perpetrate on one another, and being forced to see is far worse for her than if she were blind like them in some ways, but the deeper meaning of Blindness in the book is the meaning as it is referred to in the bible in which Jesus cures the blind man and he can now "see", it is not so much about the physical act of seeing as it is about having a new and higher awareness. In the book Blindness, the woman who sees,  understands the horrors of the world in which the blind have fallen and created for themselves, and attempts to lift herself out of it. It is a metaphor for understanding, not for actual sight. In the same way that Plato's character in the alleghory of the cave is considered blind when he "sees" the truth, so the woman in the book must pretend to be blind because her sight will cause her own destruction. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is most definitely NOT king. Unless we assume being "king" means being the subject of envy and responsible for the masses.

What's my point in all that? My point is that because of our sight, we are often blinded from SEEING. We think we see things that are important and true, we place value in certain things, but what we find and what was found in the novel as well, is that when physical sight disappears, the things we once valued and understood, and believed important, disappear. We are a world dependent and designed and focused on the aesthetics of our lives, but if that were stripped away, what would we be? We would be helpless, reckless, and rough with one another, more than likely (at least this is what the novel implies). Indeed, perhaps the bible is suggesting that to truly SEE, that which lies beneath the surface of things, we need to stop being distracted by the appearance of things, we need to give up placing value in aesthetics and focus on seeing the truth of a thing, placing value in the righteousness and goodness of its essence. There is truth in Tyler Durden's statement that the things you own end up owning you.

But yet again I come back to the question, if we have created a world of distractions for ourselves that rests on a sense of what is pleasing to our senses and what is not, WHY do we have this need? WHY do we structure our lives this way? And what happens if we attempt to strip it all away?

I don't have an answer to this yet, but it is something that deserves greater study and pursuit. I sense there is a hidden peace there. 

Agora, The Edukators, and more Christian Doctrine

It's been a few days since I have written anything and I have had quite a bit on my mind, so this might be a long one. First off, I am nearly done with another one of my goals for the year. Reading the new testament. I only have Revelations left and there is probably a lot to be said about that, but I will come back to that in a little while if I have time, first let me address some things that have been on my mind.

It appears the Supreme Court has upheld the Obamacare legislation as it is currently being referred to. I don't really have much to say about it, honestly. I see both the good and the bad in it, but I refuse to be polarized on the issue as so many people have been. The whole thing has made me think about writing a short story though, about what the world would be like in a more socialized state, considering the effects of technology, bureaucracy, and public education. I might write something on this soon, if I can develop the idea in a cohesive enough fashion, could be interesting.

This leads me to a couple other things that have been on my mind. I watched two films that had a strong impact on me a couple days ago, not so much because the films themselves were necessarily profound, but more because the philosophies of the characters and themes of the films hit me pretty hard.

The first one was a film called Agora, which I pretty much hated, but was fascinated by, like a train wreck, and the other was The Edukators. Let's look at Agora first, shall we. This was a film about the destruction of the library of Alexandria and the subsequent murder of Hypatia, an Egyptian philosopher, astronomer, and teacher at Alexandria. The film was interesting enough historically that it kept me involved, but it took a perspective as viewing the destruction of Alexandria and consequent death of Hypatia as a product of Christian fanaticism. I had serious issue with the way in which the Christians were portrayed in the film, and the way in which Hypatia was constantly portrayed as the only force of logic in the film. It was essentially presented as a clash between science and religion, which is such a tiresome stance and so common among atheists. The Christians were literally presented as ignorant masses or political converts almost without fail. There was so much in the film that presented Christians as mindless and violent that I was literally disgusted and needed to look up some of the actual history of the events to try and determine what, if anything, was true in the whole garbled mess. What I found was that some things were true, and some were presented much more harshly in order to make the filmmakers' point, which was focused on the hypocrisy and evil of the church. The truth, was much more balanced and ultimately sad. Now, I am not going to deny that the church as an institution and as a leading force in the world and with its followers has not taught many things that were not the meaning of the doctrine, that were not what the bible teaches, and certainly were not the will of Jesus as I understand it, but this film was outright ridiculous. It seems that we accept the ridiculous in historical films and entertainment, and don't really think about what they are showing us, when in fact if we look at it critically, we'll find there are gross misrepresentations which are their own subtle form of propaganda. It is actually quite pathetic. So, I don't recommend the film, as it is ultimately tripe, but I also don't recommend that we turn our backs on looking at historical injustices that have occurred because people succumbed to an ideology that was not entirely wholesome, and was actually in conflict with the doctrine that those people profess to follow. If you choose to watch this film, look at it critically, and then go and research the truth of the events and understand there is more to it than the demonization of the Christian faith that the filmmakers would have you believe. Likewise, I think it is important that we acknowledge that even today there are those who would use scripture for their own political agendas and are not understanding of the truth of what they are saying, but are rather interpreting the truth in a manner that it was never intended.

This leads me to one such example. The legalization of gay marriage is a key civil rights issue right now, and it is an area that Christian talk radio and right wing radio pundits like to focus on as a point of contention. They are suggesting that it is not a civil rights issue because marriage is a sacred act, a vow before God, and the bible decrees it as between a man and a woman specifically. Ok, but you are missing something fundamental here guys. IT IS A CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS ALSO A CIVIL INSTITUTION. Christians and other religions view marriage as a sacred vow, and if you are a Christian, you follow the doctrine and recognize that marriage is between a man and a woman, but we do not live in a Christian nation, we live in a nation that is tolerant of many religions, and marriage in America is a legal and civil institution also, so you cannot deny it to people of a different religious faith or of different viewpoints from you, because you are denying them equal CIVIL rights. If you are of a particular faith and you choose not to recognize a marriage as having spiritual sanctity, well that is your choice, but if you choose not to recognize marriage as a legal and civil entity and denying those rights to two consenting adults, then you are oppressing your brother, and what the Lord says to me is that I am not meant to judge my brother, but to love him. Oppressing other people is not loving them.

While we are on this subject, let's talk about The Edukators. (Gonna get circular with this point here, so bear with me a moment.) The film Edukators, which I thought was quite excellent and which I will probably need to see again at some point to truly take it all in, was about a group of young German socialists, who were breaking into the homes of the rich and messing with their stuff in an attempt to leave them a message which was "You have too much stuff" and "Your days of luxury are over". The point of this was to do something extreme in an effort to affect a radical change and wake these deluded people up. The film was interesting. The main characters have an interesting point to make, and though I didn't agree entirely with their social agenda, the film made some great points about the broken capitalist system, human nature, and the generation gap. Here's where I have a problem with it, and how it ties into the general problem with socialism, the main female character in the film is being evicted and is impoverished and works at a job that she hates for ridiculous hours out of the day. She says that she owes $94,500 (Euro) for an accident she got into a few years prior with a rich guy in a Mercedes, and was being strangled by debt. This was then the catalyst for actions that end up leading her and her friends to face off ideologically and physically against the extremely rich persona that she owes the money to. When she had the accident she was not insured and so the cost of the damage to the vehicle was more than she could afford to pay. Her friend suggests that it is ridiculous for her to be killing herself and ruining her life to pay for some rich guy's toy. With this, I somewhat agree, but it doesn't acknowledge that the girl did the wrong thing to begin with. I'm a firm believer that our actions have consequences and if you stupidly or ignorantly perform actions that are illegal without acknowledging those consequences, don't pretend like you are not at fault or at least realize that you are in the position you are in as a consequence of your own choices. That being said, the rich guy in the film was somewhat at fault as well. He states at one point in the film that his lawyer handled everything with the lawsuit and the accident and he never really knew who he was up against, and that he AGREED that he didn't think it was right that she suffer and be impoverished for the rest of her life over the accident. This leads us to an interesting point on common sense and common decency. We are so litigious in this world today, that things happen as a product of the system, wherein if we were just kinder to one another and used more common sense, there would often be less suffering and more understanding between us. Is the system broke? Yes. Should we just chuck it out and start over with a socialist agenda? Hell no! That is just going from one failed ideology to another!

So what is my point in all this and how does it relate to my Christian agenda? It's simple. First off, as Christians, we are taught that actions have consequences, and we need to be prepared to make amends for unrighteous actions. Just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you should suffer for it eternally, Jesus is proof that we can be forgiven for our transgressions, and likewise the girl did not need to be suffering under her mistake, but could have asked for forgiveness, or tried to work something out with the guy. No guarantee that it would solve things, but she could have TRIED.

I can relate to the socialists in the film because their point is that people need to use common sense and work for the common good and for the benefit of everyone. In addition to this, I agree with their point "You have too much stuff", and I am amused by their methods of not stealing, but just messing with these rich individuals, and making them think about their affluent lifestyle a little more critically. After all, as Christians, one of our commandments is charity. Something the rich man was not acknowledging.

We are not meant to place value in things and worldly possessions, we are meant to place value in the Lord and God's love, and our job is to be charitable and loving to one another. In fact, we are repeatedly told that placing value in the things of the world will only lead to our own destruction, therefore the best that we can do is to interrupt this mindless habit and natural human inclination to accumulate and have more and do more and own more or to BE more. It's the path of sin, ultimately. Living in this industrial age, it is pathetic that there are people who starve or cannot get the medical help they need because of the high cost of things, when we are so very rich in technology and knowledge, and when so many riches are wasted.

However, putting our faith in any overly large, overly bureaucratic, or wasteful institution (be it corporate, religious, or government) is proven not to be the answer either, because those entities don't seem to know how to provide relief. They only seem to know how to consume and waste. Perhaps this is overly cynical, but it is what I see time and time again. I think the best thing a person can do with their time is to devote it to impacting individuals on a personal level with direct positive force. Taking the time to encourage, interact with, and help build the communities and lives of individuals around you, making the efforts to work for the greater good on an individual level, this is the greater reward and the true calling of us Christians. It is also the best way to implement lasting change and the greatest benefit.

Wow, ok, that was quite a diatribe, not sure I addressed everything, but perhaps that is enough for now.

"Speak not evil one of another, brethren"

How apt that today I am reading James in the new testament. Especially after the weekend I've had. I let my anger get away from me sometimes and I don't always realize how letting my emotions go out of control, whatever my supposed grievance is, can be a further catalyst to more evil. James is speaking to me today and making me shameful of the anger that I expressed over the weekend. The lord knows my heart and knows how to tell me when I've been wrong. I will try to do better lord, I most certainly will.

"Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?"

I'm very sorry for what I have said.

Absinthe

So I was doing some research on Absinthe, aka The Green Fairy. I recently watched a documentary on it and learned a lot about how it is made, what makes it so unique and a lot of the truth surrounding so much of the myth and misunderstanding of it. I'd really like to try some good absinthe once. I tried it in New Orleans and have since learned that real absinthe is actually nothing like the absinthe I drank there, unfortunately it's rarity has made it's price astronomically high some of the good bottles are $185 a bottle! That makes me sad, but perhaps it will become more prevalent in the future. It is funny how we classify different substances and how unjustifiable that can be here in the U.S. Take absinthe for example, at one point in history it was given to soldiers as a sort of cure-all medicine and became so popular that it was common in cafes everywhere, but then a few senseless acts of violence by people under the influence of poorly made and at the time unregulated absinthe, and now suddenly the whole thing becomes demonized, even though scientific evidence shows that those effects did not occur in the majority of absinthe drinkers and those problems were not existent in those absinthe manufacturers, now, 100 years after an initial ban those who were STILL making absinthe from its native region, push to have it legalized and in no time, enthusiasts are finding a way of bringing it back into the limelight, and yet what was so common that poets, artists, soldiers, and just average citizens would buy it and drink it all day in cafes for about 50 years, is an exclusive and highly stigmatized item and therefore rare and expensive. It's a good example of the world in which we live in general, I think. We stigmatize things that are mostly natural and are ready to accept anything that is processed, packaged, and unnatural because of it's ability to appeal to our aesthetic tastes. We put more things into our bodies that are harmful because of this, than a lot of illegal drugs are. We pump ourselves full of prescription drugs in an attempt to alleviate any and every ailment, but we denounce other more natural substances. The world is a crazy, crazy, messed up place.

Yesterday, Prometheus, The Doctor, and A Fate Worse than Death

After my last few posts writing today feels like a chore, and I don't have as clear of a focus of conversation as I did the previous few days, but maybe I ought to just discuss what is happening and how I feel about that for once.

My father had a procedure done on his heart yesterday. It wasn't surgery because there was no cutting involved but there was a laser involved in the procedure. The way I understand it, (and admittedly I don't understand it very well) the doctor goes inside the heart and burns different areas of the heart with the laser and causes some scarring on the heart which clears some of the pathways of the arteries and helps the heart to function better. It is all very strange and this may not be exactly what happens, but what was clear is that there was a laser involved, scarring, and that the hope is that the procedure will help the heart to beat more regularly and correct the ABFIB that is happening. Dad got through the procedure ok and is recovering today. Yesterday was a lot of hurry up and waiting. I rushed to the hospital first thing in the morning to be there before he went in for the procedure to see him off. Then we waited two hours for the doctor to come, then once they took him back, Mom and I waited in the waiting room for another hour to hear whether or not the were going to be able proceed. (He had a blood clot not long ago and they were not able to do the procedure then, so he had to just come home that time.) I then had to rush to my doctor's appointment all the way from Elkhart to South Bend to get there on time, and then when I got there I had to wait another 2 hours before seeing the doctor. I hurried out of there, rushed home to shower and change, and then hurried back to the hospital to see how Dad was doing. When I got back he was still in the procedure, so I left with Mom to eat and then we made our way back again. More waiting. Finally, he came out of the procedure and was ok, the doctor talked to us briefly, and then more waiting for him to wake up. We finally got to see him for a few minutes, but he was still pretty well sedated, so again we sat and waited until finally seeing him one last time briefly at 6:00. Then I rushed back from Elkhart to South Bend to make it back in time to see a movie with my niece and nephew. The day was just filled with hurry up and wait! Ah well, some days you are busy doing nothing, I guess, but I am glad it is over, and that Dad is doing well.

I did make pretty good use of my time though, researching and discussing and considering possible honeymoon ideas for this year. Last year was the "Staycation", so this year I think we ought to do something sort of big. New York or Boston are kind of high on the list of possible choices, but we'll need to discuss it a bit and look at our condo options before making a decision. I also spent some time finishing one of my goals for the year (hooray for accomplishment!)  and working on my bible reading and study. I'll probably spend some more time discussing my views on the bible again soon, but my thoughts are not particularly organized on that today.

I saw Prometheus again yesterday, and I have to say, I enjoyed it so much more the second time. I think there is so much about it that is not thoroughly answered, so many things left open for interpretation and so much subtlety to the dialogue that I did not notice the first time through. It is an excellent and beautiful film, and it makes some interesting points about man's nature and our desire to be like the Gods. I think the name Prometheus was a perfect choice for the film and the characters. Ultimately it shows where the hearts of the characters reside. There is an interesting relationship between faith and science to the film as well as human nature, creation, and family. Some really terrific themes, so glad I went and saw it again...and speaking of those things I've seen, let me add Doctor Who to the brilliance list. It's not perfect, but the Doctor's ongoing attempts to save humanity are certainly a joy to watch. It has humor and is sometimes goofy, but David Tenant personifies the difficulty of being a 900 year old time traveler extremely well. It is bittersweet. There is nothing in the universe that you cannot see or do, but you are destined to be alone, as the people you love and the world dies around you. Not to mention the Doctor is in a constant state of making up for the shortcomings of the beings around him that he interacts with and has to save humanity again and again at great peril and often with personal self sacrifice, but then, that is why we admire and love him, isn't it?

Speaking of dying and sacrifice, I was discussing this very thing with my aunt and uncle yesterday, they had good thoughts on it. They've endured many loved family members slowly dwindling away due to sickness and old age, and my aunt said, "There are far worse things than dying, the young don't really understand that. When you are young, death is your greatest fear, but as you get older you realize that living a long life can be even worse." Of course, this has nothing really to do with the Doctor's dilemma and long life, after all, he does not suffer in old age as humans do and frequently regenerates and has a new incarnation that is like living a new life, but for us mere mortals, there is any number of diseases and infirmities that we are forced to suffer as we live longer and longer. I agree with my aunt, that is far worse than death.

Hmmm, how did I get onto this morose topic? Ah well, more on these things later.

The Prime Directive, Endurance, and Turning Pain into Strength

So I keep thinking about Tolstoy. I've never read any of his fiction, interestingly enough. I probably should as he is often heralded as the greatest author of all time, but I have read some of his essays and I find them very thought provoking. Thoreau, too, had lots of useful things to say. We spend so much of our time concerning ourselves with the trivial, but now reading these various authors, and the New Testament, I have a better understanding of why I am here and what I am meant to be doing than I ever did in the past. It is so clear to me, but how do I make others understand?

Let's see...Let's start with a few basics. First of all, to reference Tolstoy, the great depression of life without God is to know that all life is futile. If there is no God, if life is nothing more than the physical world we exist within, then there is no point to any of it, and it is all futile. What is the point in experiencing life's pleasures when you know in the back of your mind that it is all for naught, that it will all come to an end and mean nothing and leave nothing left? For Tolstoy this idea was so bitter a pill for him to swallow that he literally fell into a great depression over this fact and could find no more pleasure in life. I have never fallen into that path, although I value his thoughts on it, and he is right, without there being more to existence than the mere physical life we experience, why even bother going on living? It is a pretty futile endeavor, ultimately. No one has ever been able to convince me there is not more to life than the physical though. It just seems so blatantly obvious in every one of my experiences, not to mention I have felt the Holy Spirit, but that is a very different story. Those who've never experienced it think it is delusional I suppose, but there is every reason to know it is real and true, which leads me to my next point. The prime directive of life, as presented by Christian doctrine and the words of Jesus specifically are to love one another as yourselves, love God with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your mind, and practice charity. This is what our job is in life. This is how we need to interact with one another. Love each other, even when it is impossible to do so, and live a "good life".

What is a good life? It's a life filled with compassion for one another, above all else, and even when it is hard or seems next to impossible. This is ALL that matters. But this is not easy. It is a daily challenge, it is a challenge from moment to moment, but what is interesting is that the bible also teaches something else that most people don't really understand. It teaches that we are not really here to enjoy the material world. If we love the material, we cannot fully love God. When I think about this concept, I remember back to when I was learning about other religions besides Christianity, and one of the concepts behind reincarnation is that we go through many lives striving to get back to the source of life, which is God almighty, and until we've learned all that we need to learn and found the truth of life we cannot return to him. So, we go through all our incarnations until we are quite literally world weary and can finally ascend. I think this is what Jesus was trying to teach us, not that we should disregard the material world, but as long as we let the material dictate our lives and rule us, we are not really loving God with all of our hearts, all of our minds, and all of our souls, and we are not loving one another as ourselves. That kind of love comes from spirit and combines with spirit and thought. The material world is nothing but a distraction from that.

That brings me to more on Tolstoy and something I have been reflecting on a lot lately, do we have any social obligations to our government? The Quakers and Tolstoy, and then later Ghandi, believed in the power of non-resistance of evil. This is the idea that you should not resist acts of evil with further acts of sin and evil, because it begets further evil, whereas nonresistance of evil stops evil from being further perpetrated, by interrupting the flow of evil from one to another. It's a hard concept, but one I think I pretty much agree with. I'll take it a step further and say this, the Quakers further believe that any contribution to or participation in government sanctions the perpetuation of evil acts do to the use of military forces and the perpetration of wars carried on by that government. According to the Quakers beliefs, and I think likewise Tolstoy, the only way to be non-participatory in acts of evil carried on by the government and to avoid the sin of violence against others is to be non-participatory in that government - in any fashion. I've pondered whether this is a valid argument...If I am contributing to a government that I know does sinful acts that I consider against the prime directive, am I then participating in those acts by proxy and do I then inherit those sins? There is evidence that this could be the case. Certainly there is strong support for the notion of being non-participatory in the acts of the governing forces, but then if we are non-participatory are we likewise sanctioning their actions by not contributing our efforts to changing them, in fact we have a strong responsibility to speak out against that which we believe to be wrong, but as an argument, not as acts of aggression. Nonresistance of evil is just that, a passive resistance by nonresistance. This is something that continually goes round in my head, and in general, while I don't completely agree with Tolstoy or the Quakers, I certainly believe that the political efforts, arguments, and agendas of those I see around me are ill designed and ill effected in relation to that prime directive, so for now, I am taking a non-participatory stance with a position of verbal disagreement on that which is in conflict with what the Lord preaches.

Ok, all that being said, the area that really needs strengthened in my life is my commitment to charity. So much of what I do is still so entrenched in the material and in maintaining the status quot and looking to endeavors in the future as nothing but the future, far and distant, but it is important to implement charity in both my present life and my future endeavors. So, it is time to grow some strength and endurance, focus some energies on becoming strong and learning to endure, accept, and face pain, so that I never have to fear anything in life, because besides pain. what is there really to fear in life? Death? Death is nothing to fear. Other people's deaths maybe, the loss of loved ones, and loneliness maybe, but I believe all that is temporary, we have the Lord's good news and we should rejoice in that! So if I can start to make my body bear the pains and struggles of life more easily, I will never need fear. I will more easily reach for anything that seems just and right in life. So there you have the plan - love, charity, strength, learning, overcoming fear and pain, and praising God. It's all about stripping away connections to objects, strengthening connections to people and loved ones, and giving and helping everyone I can.

Social Awkwardness and Divine Inspiration

The last two months have been extraordinarily overfilled with social obligations to family and friends, and what that has meant to me is a great amount of social awkwardness and a certain amount of inspiration to action. Early events were largely a frustration, as, with my hermit like manner, I felt out of place. I have a certain dichotomy wherein social functions are a boost to my mental wanderings, but at the same time they often make me feel ill at ease and uncomfortable, or in some cases just disparage. I've frequently analyzed these feelings and come to the followings conclusions:

Conclusion number one - I don't really know how to have small talk. I do this on a very minimal level at work. I talk about the weather and show genuine interest in the random details of customers lives, but rarely offer anything personal or worthwhile in return. I strive to be friendly and sincere, kind even, but I have just honestly never mastered the art of "chit chat". My mother has this ability in spades. Perhaps that is why I am so lacking. She is constantly starting up natural conversations with complete strangers about absolutely anything and everything and I don't even know where to begin with this. I look at her and marvel when she starts talking to store clerks and wonder how she ever became so at ease talking nonsense. But people do that I suppose. I usually find myself frequently drifting into awkward silences amongst those I am familiar with and care about, but am not particularly well acquainted with. If I am amongst close friends I am usually well enough at ease and will strike up a good conversation about anything, but even then, I feel an invisible wall dividing me from being completely honest. Add a few unknown elements to the mix (most often new people) and I tend to clam up. I just don't know how to make small talk and even when I broach such things I quickly end up sliding back into awkward silence.

Conclusion number two - Perhaps it comes from years of spending so much time alone and in my head with stories and ideas, but when it comes to the day to day details of life, I really don't have much to say, but am happy to listen. Take these same situations, social gatherings (group events or parties most frequently) and imagine the topics of conversations, they are usually restricted to the following topics: work, politics, home improvement, and anything else that you might be DOING. The operative word here is DOING. Perhaps I struggle in these very scenarios because I am often not really DOING much of anything. Please don't ask me about my job, you really don't want to know about it, I don't really care to talk about it, and you probably won't like hearing about it. I'll tell you about the people I work with and how wonderful they are, but even this you probably don't want to hear. We like to hear stories, not details. But to be honest, I spend so much of my time thinking, reflecting, and learning, that I really feel out of place in this, and lately it has gotten infinitely worse. I can tell you about the book I've read, or something new I have learned, but on topics of news, weather, politics, and the workings of the world, I have relatively little to contribute, and to be honest, I usually don't really care that much about it either, but in truth the problem goes beyond this to....

Conclusion number three - The fact is that I honestly just don't really care. If you have something interesting to tell me about what you have learned about the world, or if you have some wisdom about life that you want to share, well, that is what I want to hear about, but it is so infrequently talked about in such situations. When someone asks me casually, "What's new?", I want to share with them all that I have just learned about the history and making of Absinthe. I want to tell them about the Christian dilemma I have been struggling with on how to synthesize the seemingly opposing positions of pacifism and participation in the government, and what I think of the Quakers views on this and what Tolstoy has to say about it. I want to share who I am and what I know. I want to advise my newly graduated nephews on their future endeavors and warn them of the pitfalls that I have endured in life over the years, and when I think on THAT, I long to hear about the wisdom that I know my aunts and uncles and cousins have experienced in their own lives from the choices that they've made. But there seems to be an insurmountable invisible wall to these conversations and unless I know you REALLY well and am extremely comfortable (and perhaps not even then) I don't even know where to begin. These are never the topics of casual conversations, though, and unless someone of a like mind to me (but less socially awkward) has latched onto a few gleaming moments of truth and steered the conversation into these more intricate and fascinating waters, then I quickly lose interest and my mind tends to wander to the abstract phenomenon of analyzing what is happening from a sociological perspective and that ends up leading to more awkward silence on my part.

Conclusion number four - Alcohol is often both a help and a hindrance to this social conundrum. Ultimately its effects are not really for the better.

Conclusion number five - In spite of all this, I find myself inspired and lifted out of my hermit attitudes by the exuberance of those I see around me at these events and latching on to the energy of the young, I am propelled to move somewhat out of my isolation to take on more worldly challenges.

Perhaps some day I will be able to share with them a bit of the passion I feel for my pursuits and share the knowledge and wisdom I have learned in my endeavors in a way that will inspire them as well.

"I don't care what anybody says about me as long as it isn't true."

Once upon a time...that seems like as fair a place to start this journey as any, I suppose. Once upon a time, there was a girl who had dreams of stories. So many stories swirling around in her mind that she had no choice but to empty some of those myriad thoughts and ideas onto paper just to exercise all of these various myriad of details into a place where they could roam free from one another and dance and play in the world. She started that journey today.

Also, in this swirling abyss there were thoughts and experiences that required a record, a voice, a place to share with the world something perhaps profound or perhaps merely just insightful. This shall be that place.

So as introductions go, this is as good as any. I can't guarantee that this will always be something others will find worthwhile, but perhaps it will be something that others will at least find interesting.

Yesterday, I went to Truman's for the last time. It is closing. I wonder what it means that it is closing. Of course it was due to bad management, but it is interesting that there will be no clearly marked mainstay for the LGBT community in the area anymore. Truman's had been open for 20 years and was one of the finest dance clubs in the area. And I know my dance clubs, so I know wherefore I speak, but now it is an end of an era and again, as they so often do, things change, morph into something new. As the film Prometheus recently said, and quite aptly I believe, sometimes, in order to create you must destroy. I wonder what this vacuum for that community will mean. It will be interesting to see what takes its place.

But that wasn't really what I wanted to talk about. My mind feels overwhelmed and sluggish today as a result of my over imbibing last night, but even so, I feel like the thoughts are pushing at my skull, which even though clearly I have a hangover, it is giving a physical pain and purpose to my overflowing thoughts. This shall be an effort to put a voice to those thoughts and perhaps focus back into a quiet, calm, and peaceful mind. But I must pause before I truly begin and separate these ideas into their cohesive form and continue when I have more time.

Imagine a musical interlude until my return...