The last two months have been extraordinarily overfilled with social obligations to family and friends, and what that has meant to me is a great amount of social awkwardness and a certain amount of inspiration to action. Early events were largely a frustration, as, with my hermit like manner, I felt out of place. I have a certain dichotomy wherein social functions are a boost to my mental wanderings, but at the same time they often make me feel ill at ease and uncomfortable, or in some cases just disparage. I've frequently analyzed these feelings and come to the followings conclusions:
Conclusion number one - I don't really know how to have small talk. I do this on a very minimal level at work. I talk about the weather and show genuine interest in the random details of customers lives, but rarely offer anything personal or worthwhile in return. I strive to be friendly and sincere, kind even, but I have just honestly never mastered the art of "chit chat". My mother has this ability in spades. Perhaps that is why I am so lacking. She is constantly starting up natural conversations with complete strangers about absolutely anything and everything and I don't even know where to begin with this. I look at her and marvel when she starts talking to store clerks and wonder how she ever became so at ease talking nonsense. But people do that I suppose. I usually find myself frequently drifting into awkward silences amongst those I am familiar with and care about, but am not particularly well acquainted with. If I am amongst close friends I am usually well enough at ease and will strike up a good conversation about anything, but even then, I feel an invisible wall dividing me from being completely honest. Add a few unknown elements to the mix (most often new people) and I tend to clam up. I just don't know how to make small talk and even when I broach such things I quickly end up sliding back into awkward silence.
Conclusion number two - Perhaps it comes from years of spending so much time alone and in my head with stories and ideas, but when it comes to the day to day details of life, I really don't have much to say, but am happy to listen. Take these same situations, social gatherings (group events or parties most frequently) and imagine the topics of conversations, they are usually restricted to the following topics: work, politics, home improvement, and anything else that you might be DOING. The operative word here is DOING. Perhaps I struggle in these very scenarios because I am often not really DOING much of anything. Please don't ask me about my job, you really don't want to know about it, I don't really care to talk about it, and you probably won't like hearing about it. I'll tell you about the people I work with and how wonderful they are, but even this you probably don't want to hear. We like to hear stories, not details. But to be honest, I spend so much of my time thinking, reflecting, and learning, that I really feel out of place in this, and lately it has gotten infinitely worse. I can tell you about the book I've read, or something new I have learned, but on topics of news, weather, politics, and the workings of the world, I have relatively little to contribute, and to be honest, I usually don't really care that much about it either, but in truth the problem goes beyond this to....
Conclusion number three - The fact is that I honestly just don't really care. If you have something interesting to tell me about what you have learned about the world, or if you have some wisdom about life that you want to share, well, that is what I want to hear about, but it is so infrequently talked about in such situations. When someone asks me casually, "What's new?", I want to share with them all that I have just learned about the history and making of Absinthe. I want to tell them about the Christian dilemma I have been struggling with on how to synthesize the seemingly opposing positions of pacifism and participation in the government, and what I think of the Quakers views on this and what Tolstoy has to say about it. I want to share who I am and what I know. I want to advise my newly graduated nephews on their future endeavors and warn them of the pitfalls that I have endured in life over the years, and when I think on THAT, I long to hear about the wisdom that I know my aunts and uncles and cousins have experienced in their own lives from the choices that they've made. But there seems to be an insurmountable invisible wall to these conversations and unless I know you REALLY well and am extremely comfortable (and perhaps not even then) I don't even know where to begin. These are never the topics of casual conversations, though, and unless someone of a like mind to me (but less socially awkward) has latched onto a few gleaming moments of truth and steered the conversation into these more intricate and fascinating waters, then I quickly lose interest and my mind tends to wander to the abstract phenomenon of analyzing what is happening from a sociological perspective and that ends up leading to more awkward silence on my part.
Conclusion number four - Alcohol is often both a help and a hindrance to this social conundrum. Ultimately its effects are not really for the better.
Conclusion number five - In spite of all this, I find myself inspired and lifted out of my hermit attitudes by the exuberance of those I see around me at these events and latching on to the energy of the young, I am propelled to move somewhat out of my isolation to take on more worldly challenges.
Perhaps some day I will be able to share with them a bit of the passion I feel for my pursuits and share the knowledge and wisdom I have learned in my endeavors in a way that will inspire them as well.
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